Life's Magic Chapter 29

28 Hershey
The Saturday event Maggie was referring to was her daughter's seventh birthday pool party. It's a children's party and as little Nathalia's godmother, I was obliged and expected to go even if I had a feeling I'd feel out of place since I wouldn't be able to totally enjoy it. A birthday in a pool but I could already imagine myself sitting by the benches the entire time. Maggie's right, there were a lot of things I still needed to learn such as how to swim. To party. To learn to let go. To move on. And to love again.

"I'm so excited!" Maggie exclaimed, clapping her hands cheerily. "My husband's boss will be there, too. You both can finally meet each other!"

I laughed at her and shook my head. Ever since my divorce two years ago, Maggie kept on pushing me to date once again, arranging a blind date of me and one of her cool friends. I obliged only so I could humor my friend but it all started and ended after the first date to Maggie's exasperation. But she didn't give up on me.

Just recently, she'd been dropping hints about her husband's boss being single and hot and ready to mingle. Maggie also informed me that, Paul, her husband was also mentioning me to his boss which I really found so embarrassing.

It's all with good intentions, I know, but I still didn't feel like putting myself in that situation again. Relationship was a tough thing. You couldn't love someone without loving yourself first because you just couldn't give what you didn't even have in the first place. And that'd been what I've been working out right now. To fill myself of so much joy and love so when I'm already overflowing, my spillovers of love would be shared to others.

So right now, I'm filling myself with love by serving and tending to my patients. Seeing them getting better every day made my heart swell because I know that I've been part of the battle they faced to win their health back and regain their lives. Love was a tricky thing. You can only love after you've loved yourself first. But then you can only find yourself after you've lost yourself in the service of others. It's dizzying. You couldn't actually know which should come first. It's like that question of who came first, the egg or the chicken. It's an infinity. An endless loop. An eternal cycle. As I've said, it's a tough thing.

Being in a divorce, I felt scared and worried to put myself back there again. As they've said, once burned twice shy. I know that I made some mistakes and I also know that I wouldn't be doing them again because it'd been a fruitful lesson to me. Yet, I'm still doubtful if I could do better the next time, enough to hold on 'til the end.

Neil and I were so young back then. Full of love and life. We thought that everything was just that. That relationship was all about love and smiles. So when problem came to us, we didn't know how to handle it. We fought. We hurt each other. We broke apart. Since then, it'd been sorrow, grief, tears and regret. In the two years we've been apart, I somehow found myself stepping forward baby steps into forgiveness but I still wondered. I still haven't let go. After all, we shared good memories more than the bad ones. I wondered if only we've been stronger and more mature, could we have saved our love?

"Earth to Hershey!"

I blinked from my stupor before smiling up to Maggie. "Sorry."

"Went to memory lane again?" Maggie arched her brow at me. "I told you, you can revisit the past but don't live there again, Choc. You're here now, you have to start anew."

"I'm not sure if I'm ready, Mags."

"You'll never be ready until you start taking a second chance."

"What if I'd be hurt again? Or hurt someone else because I used them as rebound?"

Maggie rolled her eyes. "I didn't pair you to my friends for sex. If you want rebound, then you could've easily gotten it by fast romp in the sack given your looks and nice rack. But you didn't take the bait with them because you know deep in your heart you're searching for the real thing. A serious and long relationship that'll lasts until your old age. Besides, what's love without the pain? It's not supposed to be feared at all. It should be a challenge for you. You've been in that battle before. You've been hurt, yes, but make sure this second time around, you go prepared. Pain is always present, Choc, but use it to push you forward to win the race not give up. For the record, you're ready, Choc. You just don't know it because you make the past hold your future."

Giving her a tight smile, I blew a deep breath but didn't respond anymore. Her words somehow hit me by the heart. Am I really ready?
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