Life's Magic Chapter 40


39 Donatella
They said that to be able to reach towards your goal, the only thing you must do is to start with a single step. Tiptoe if you must, as long as you start moving. Move and don't give up. Even with slow steps, in a long run, once you take a glance behind your back, you'll then realize how far you've gone.

That's what I did. I wanted to reach my goal. The goal was to be a better version of myself. I went to rehab and isolation. To heal myself of my inner wounds. To make myself whole again so I'd be able to love wholeheartedly, too. So I went and moved. I didn't tiptoe, I ran. I distanced myself. I ran so fast even with my tears blinding my tracks. But when I took a glance behind me, I realized I've never even gotten so far. I was stuck. I was only standing there like a stupid girl in the middle of the road. Lost. Cold. Alone.

My addiction was an honest mistake. I took a single sniff of it because someone told me it'd help me cope up with stress. And I've been really into so much stress that time with school, deadlines and of my paranoia with Mitch. He's always away and my insecure self couldn't stop thinking of him totally leaving me one day. I couldn't even begin to think of what'd happen to me if that day would come.

So I consoled myself with a long stick. I thought it'd be safe. But one stick led me into another and then another. Until it's too late for me to realize that I've been hooked. Sniffing somehow had become more important to me than anything else.

When Mitch found me out and saw how angry he'd been, I felt even more paranoid and the ugly head of fear crippled me. I didn't want to lose Mitch. But I didn't realize that what I've been doing was exactly what had pushed him away. I was so broken back then. So lost. So I have to distance myself. I needed to learn how to stand with my own two feet. I couldn't just rely everything to Mitch. I should be my own person. So I decided I'd rather hurt us once and let time mend our hearts than to continue being together, only to hurt each other every day, hearts growing apart because of our unresolved problem. My unresolved problem.

Even when I'm away, Mitch had always been in my mind. In my heart. I've long wanted to see Mitch again. I've rehearsed my speech of apology and explanation why I did what I did back then. I know Mitch had a good heart and I know he'd understand me once I tell him.

However, I've been cowering, thinking to myself that I'm still not prepared. Mitch deserved so much better. I wanted to be perfectly whole when I present myself to him again. So I went back to working my ass to better myself. I didn't finish my degree but I took odd jobs at the center where I also went for my rehab.

Helping people going through what I've gone through was a passion for me not a job. They're right. Misery finds its own. There's no other people that could perfectly help an addict but also an addict himself. Because they understood each other. They experienced the same thing. They struggled and fought the same battle and winning it in the end amidst the judgement of the people outside. And whenever a person was declared totally healed and clean, I celebrated with so much joy. I cried with happiness of their triumph. I exalted the magic of life.


I extended my service to the center in hopes to repay them for helping me. I was confident that I've been healed. That I was whole once again. And that I could start anew. But then it only took Mitch showing up in my life again and everything I believed was thrust back to doubts. And fear. And loneliness. I realized that I'm only broken because half of my heart was still dangling in Mitch's hands. He still owned me. I still loved him.

Maybe luck sent me in that direction. One of the patients in the clinic was dying. Before sending her into a peaceful rest, we granted her dying wish of eating her last meal from an expensive restaurant. So I volunteered to go and buy her dinner. What supposed to be an ordinary day turned something special. Something that'd led me into total healing. Of my happiness. Of love.

Seeing Mitch again made me hope once more. I certainly saw anger in his eyes and that's actually where I felt my hope blossomed. Because he wouldn't be angry with me if he no longer loved me. He wouldn't be affected as much as how his presence affected me if he no longer cared. Yet, his anger showed just as fiercely as how he showed it when we're still together. His anger wasn't really pointed at me. He's angry because of our situation. Because I just know Mitch couldn't be angry with me. He wouldn't because I know he loved me. And he must still loved me with the way he reacted earlier.

My tears slowly ran down my cheeks. I cried while I also laughed. Oh, God! I'm healed. I'm totally whole. I'm ready! I still loved Mitch and I wanted a second chance with him. But he's with someone else. I didn't want to hurt anyone. But I know I should also get what I wanted. I'd never forgive myself if I let the opportunity passed me by. May God provide me strength because I wanted us back together. Hopefully this time would be forever.

I reached for my phone, expelling out a heavy breath before I dialed his number.
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